I must hold onto it, it is my biggest need, if I let it go, it will be the end of me. How is this so, how can it be what I must live by, why is it that without it my world will colapse? How is it that with it my world has already deteriorated and collapsed on several occasions, yet I say only without it this would happen? How can this make soooo much sense when I know it doesn't? My goodness, just how can this be? No matter how much I paint, how aware I am of what this other part of me believes, no matter how much I learn, no matter how much I reach out, no matter if it was so kill someone other than myself, I cannot let go of it. Like a stranger it fills any space with anguish, leaving me so cold and numb, it is my best friend and my enemy all wrapped in one. And this is the reality, it has gripped me in the mightest of chains, almost instinctually protective- a mechanism shielding out the real me in my mind, yet I don't know who the real me is. She doesn't exist actually, I never gave her a chance. So this is me and this is what I need and this is what it will be.

But she keeps painting anyway, she keeps talking, she keeps countering her thoughts, a constant debate... a twinge of her must have hope? I am not sure for she always just gives in, she keeps playing the game. Testing death everyday, but its been so long that she believes she must be superior to it.

The colors of todays painting were similar if not duplicates of all the rest, even when she tries to incooperate color, the darkness blocks it out. No matter which combination of palates she uses, it just always turns out the same, if not darker. She realized that this was very similar to her life; whenever she did go about a short period of recovery (color)- in a different way (different color palate), it always reached the same end and then proceeded to get worse (darker). How odd that she could resemble this to the way of her paintings when it was all so unintentional. It really proved how much one can depict themselves by way of painting, even without form, simply abstract with only color, or lack of.