The Hungry Ghost

Confusion explodes in her mind. She is completely entrenched in a whirlpool of distorted thought. Thought all too real yet all too deranged. Thought which makes absolute sense yet makes none at all. The whirlpool is all too strong, there is no way out, one can only sink deeper in its grips.

RELAPSE

That is all there is.

Don't fight it, you won't win.

And so she lets go, starving, fasting, dying.

It hurts so bad but it numbs all else; there is no time left to think about the pity of her lifeless world. No more need to think of her incompetence in a world that carries millions better than her to do which ever work she dreamed one day would be hers. She would never make it anyway, but that doesn't matter now because she is dying.

No water is allowed.

Just pain and numbness from it.

Just lay down, don't move too much and so death will be simpler. But she must get up for she must burn off energy she doesn't possess.

The bones are lovely, she wants more.

But why? No one will see her, she is too weak to carry on with the ordinary tasks of life. A force of energy to exercise is the only one there is, all else is beyond the bounds of possibility. It is quite the odd thing.

She sheds layers and it feels good but only for a second for each day she is assigned with a goal to shed more. It is like the Hungry Ghost Realm of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, where the satisfaction comes not so much from possessing but from the search itself. You want to hold it, have it, but once you possess it you no longer have the enjoyment of holding it for it is already yours. But you also don't want to let it go, so you keep it, and search on for the next thing to possess. The goal is to lower the number, the search is more like the act of starvation and burning of energy in order to wake up to the result you want, once you attain the result you must continue the task to go lower.

What for? She will only die from it. But it is too strong and creates absolute sense in her mind.

It is the only thing she knows, the only thing she can do right.

And so it goes on in this way, she is dying.

But thats ok.