I want to paint without the presence of my ego. I want to feel its healing energy, I want the language it speaks to be a positive one, I want it to be beautiful. I will settle for even just a tinge of color, a tinge of happiness. I want to want these things.

Maybe I need to stop painting how I feel and give myself something specific to paint instead. Perhaps I should encourage myself to paint in color, any theme I choose is fine as long as its not depressing. But then I feel like I am trying to be something I am not, faking it, and I know the "fake it till you make it" term, trust me I have, but it never works; it became fake it till you fake it, an act, a good actor I did become. So where does that leave me? Not only do I feel its too much of "pretending" but it also goes against all my good friend Edvard Munch said and illustrated :), a man I truly admire. I guess the change just has to take place in myself first and with that, my changing soul will be present on the canvas effortlessly. But of course this just leads me back to my same thought patterns of how impossible changing is for me.

Its a lot to juggle ya know, I have school classes to attend, exercise to fulfill for piece of mind, active appointments to go to in NJ, homework/studying, and the full on job of having to deal with my thoughts 24/7- they never ever stop, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about them, its all I do and you don't even know the half of what they involve. It really can be said that only half my brain can function on anything else..making getting school work done a horrible process, actually it feels like less than half..but I guess that's how the saying goes. And yet I can't move on. Exercise doesn't even give me piece of mind really, its just an "I have too" ..its crazy, written it actually doesn't sound so time consuming...but you have noooo idea.

There I go again, off track, silly girl I always do that. Anyhow I shall focus on painting, I found this neat little something I would like to leave off with, kinda sums it all up:

Have you ever imagined how your spirit could look?

Have you ever thought about what your soul is like?

Many people think; for example, that a stone is a stone, and there is not too much to study or think about it. But have you ever thought of the fact that very simple things like stones can be complex subjects? Yes, they are because every single stone has its own shape, color and even its own smell. Every stone is special and different than others.

At the present time, we are so busy and in such a hurry that we lose the capacity to observe things. Instead, we just take a look at them, which is not the same as to observe and analyze something deeply. From the beginning of our education, we learn how to draw objects. All children draw them in the same way, because we don't learn how to differentiate things and how to represent them as they really are. This is one of the reasons why, when we grow up, we no longer have the capacity to observe.

When we learn to "observe" things instead of "watch" things, we see the world with other eyes. In consequence, we reproduce it differently. The idea of the soul is always present—for the simple reason that all things have an essence; by consequence, all things have a kind of soul.- Blanca Garmendia