Unbearable Weight

My canvas is so thick. Piles of emotions. Accumulation. Layers and layers. Paint everywhere. Its so dark, I want color, I want to see clearly. I don't even know If I am blogging correctly. Is my assignment incorrect? How do I present this? I can't, I am going to fail- as always. But I paint, I continue, I pretend like there is hope, like there is a goal, like I will succeed. But truth be told I won't. I get by but I don't really. I am just occupying space and time. I am a chore, a burden, an expensive bill that comes at the end of each month. A waste of money that one must pay off with no end result. But I paint and paint hoping to find insight, true hope and happiness. I connect with my body and soul at such times but then again I never truly escape them, for both are constantly attacking me. However at least when I paint I connect with them a bit more positively. Dualist- I think I am. Unbearable Weight- a good book. Insightful- but can anything really help such a broken soul? Can anything help a mind which sickens there body more and more each day? A spirit so weak its hard to get out of bed but one still must for she must burn energy which is not there in order to give herself a little peace of mind. 

My canvas feels this pain. It can barely hold anymore paint. Is it on the verge of dying? I am not sure so I continue to paint. So conflicted, I must continue to paint for I must keep it together and not be selfish. I can be in pain so long as I do not cause my family anymore pain. I cannot bear their suffering. I must suffer for us all instead.

"That inescapable animal walks with me,

He's followed me since the black womb held,

Moves where I move, distorting my gesture." - Whitehead

" The body-what we eat, how we dress, the daily rituals through which we attend to the body- is the medium of culture. The body, as Mary Douglas has argued, is a powerful symbolic form, a surface on which the central rules, hierarchies, and even metaphysical commitments of a culture are inscribed and thus reinforced through the concrete language of the body. Our conscious politics, social commitments, striving for change my be undermined and betrayed by the life of our bodies- not the craving, instinctual body- but the body regulated by the norms of cultural life." - Susan Bordo

Yes, could not have said it better myself.