If I sleep I won't feel, If I sleep I won't need it. Should I just sleep?

You won't see it. You'll look in the mirror and see disgrace. Other people will see it but you won't get to watch. You'll never see the truth. Others will though. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything.

You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds. There's nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me...you'll want to.
Sacrifice it all, throw it all away. But remember, you can't tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.

Your teachers will not understand. Students might find out. They won't understand either. Their comments will hurt, you'll want to scream. You know it now, but it's too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or die...& fighting it is the hardest thing you've ever done. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you'll freak & spit it back out. Maybe you'll refuse it all. Triggers are everywhere. Maybe you'll fight & fight & just fall- wait thats not a maybe but a fact. After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you'd die, you recover. It takes a while. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won't. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to gain it back through it. You will NEVER be the same. You'll see an article on a someone & you'll start to cry because you are jealous and want it back. Only the psycical pain is describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It's unimaginable. You'll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation... So why the jealously? Why would I want such a terrible thing back? I guess its better than becoming that which I fear.

Just paint Stephanie. Let all of this out, breathe slowly, focus your energy on something else. I escaped the tortures of his grip for an hour today. It was nice. My painting is so ugly though, I still can't do anything right. 

WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after writing reading this, I will sit here and still want this. Why? What is it you want?? Show me the glamour. Is it control?? You have NO control. None. Yet I have it all.