Painting on Canvas

Trying to depict my emotions onto a blank canvas has been harder than I pictured. The painting itself is not of difficulty, unless I begin to criticize it, but I try to remember its not about creating a specific image, but instead about throwing paint freely onto a canvas. This task allows me to feel a sense of release, that is releasing all negativity from my system. The difficult task is painting when I can't identify how I am truly feeling. Today for instance I have felt happiness, sadness, pain, and a load of other emotions I have no names for. Tears crowded my vision, but creases resembling somewhat of a smile had its moments on my face today as well. I didn't know how to describe this in color, shape, or force so i just painted. I softly brushed colors onto my piece and slowly pondered my thoughts until my mind felt lighter. The time I put into painting today really made me feel better- as if for a moment I could forget everything else that was going on inside and around me. Purging onto paper is how this whole experience is making me feel. Therapy. Art. <3. 

This self imposed choice will definitely suit me in the future for I one day wish to be an art therapist. What better way to improve my skills than to get hands on experience and self induced knowledge by learning different techniques and generating ideas of that which may one day help others. I am not sure if any of this is making much sense. I am not one who does well with words. Its quite odd to me because everything always sounds so smooth and intelligible in my thoughts, so well thought out- but as soon as I want to explain something, prove a point, share my ideas, or defend myself, everything comes out in a huge knot, all nonsense with nothing making sense, so so stupid? I just can't ever word my phrases the way I wish, lacking a strong vocabulary, always feeling inferior of those around me who use such long beautiful words- words which I understand but could never utter, words I can't even pronounce well. Hence, never being able to speak up.

Its hard to let this all out. I think so little of myself, I hate it, I guess thats why I am so tough on myself. I never feel like I can be as good as anyone else. Everyones better than me- no matter what I accomplish. How can I teach art when I am the worst at it and everything else? Why can't I do anything right? These thoughts consume me everyday and it relates back to my action project and the body and soul because I am hoping that it will be a way for me to better myself and these unbearable thoughts. A positive self-talk project in a sense- that is talking in my mind as I ponder my thoughts, and talking through art by throwing paint onto a canvas. Perhaps this small step along with the help of other techniques will help to better my perspective of who I am- if anyone, in the future. If not at least doing this project helps me to escape such thoughts temporarily. Well saying I escape them is not always true- but at least they quite down to say the least. 

I must go now. Can't bear this day. I shall return at a later time.

Sincerely,

Stephanie ~